I was looking at this horoscope today, that has been taped to the side of my laptop keyboard since April 20, 2010.
At the time that I cut this out, I’m not even sure if I truly understood it’s significance.
I was waiting tables at a sushi restaurant in Santa Cruz, CA, living in my little mountain cabin in Happy Valley, dating my favorite DJ, and going to San Francisco almost every weekend to dance (and party) the night away.
I had no idea what I wanted.
If I had really tuned in, I would have realized that I wanted love, connection, magic, inspiration, purpose.
But I wasn’t there yet.
Funny, when I look back, I remember flirting with the idea of writing. I looked back into my bookmarks the other day and saw all the pages I had saved in 2010 -- most of them were about losing weight, finding love, and how to heal your adrenals.
But there were actually a lot on how to start a blog, how to make money online, and how to own your inner goddess.
It’s like I was flirting with my future, but wouldn’t really allow myself to fully go there.
I was checking it out, just to see, if maybe, MAYBE I could start creating the life I REALLY wanted.
But it was always an afterthought. A P.S. of sorts. Something I would “get to” once the party died down, I had a day off, and I felt more comfortable.
The reality is that when you ignore the calling of your heart, the truth will continue to pound at your door.
The truth will arrive in many forms and fashions.
In pain, in beauty, in integrations and in many shedding of many, many layers
In broken hearts.
In the music stopping, and the sun rising, and the chirping of the birds calling in a harsh reminder of reality.
Of people you loved walking away.
Of people you love passing away.
So many times my life was calling me to WAKE THE FUCK UP and LIVE.
I could barely hear the call.
So I kept going and kept partying and kept pretending that I wasn’t good enough, wasn’t pretty enough, smart enough, WORTH IT ENOUGH to begin creating the life that I desired.
And then when I DID finally decide to go all in, make shit happen, begin the process of turning my life around and creating a legacy even though I had NO idea what that even looked like, I wanted to just be able to snap my fingers and manifest it into thin air.
Because I didn’t want to do the work.
I was tired.
I felt like I had been pushing a boulder uphill for so many years, and I just wanted (needed!) a break already goddammit!!!
And life, of course, would not budge.
Every step I took towards cleaning up my weight/health/money/relationships/passion/emotional state/cleanliness/etc felt like a giant slap in the face.
This shit isn’t working.
It felt hard. I was frustrated. I was honestly, wuite pissed at life.
Why me? (I would ask myself daily)
I would spend all day every day wondering HOW this could have ALL happened to ME.
The constant disconnection from any sort of self love.
Always feel like I was on the outside looking in.
Always feeling like I had to PROVE myself in some way or another just to be ACCEPTED into any sort of friendship or social situation.
Who was I to fit in when I was overweight, didn’t come from money, etc, etc.
Seriously. I was SUCH a freaking victim to my life.
Of course, I didn’t know that at the time. I was literally just convinced that the Universe was certainly NOT rigged in my favor.
So I got pissed. I went into fight mode.
I decided that come hell or high water, I WAS going to figure this shit out.
I started working out.
I started saying no to things I used to say yes to.
I studied Eckart Tolle, and started going to yoga, and practicing self care and going for long walks on West Cliffs with friends to talk about life in a different way.
I began to do the work.
And this was not a linear path by any means.
There were nights where I would be up all on night, dancing the night away until sunrise, and come home high on drugs and go straight to my bookshelf and read personal development books to ease the pain of coming down.
It was a process.
For a long time, I felt like I was living two parallel lives.
Self help junkie by day, party mess by night.
And as much work as I had put in, something still felt stuck.
I couldn’t quite step over that line and into the creation of what I TRULY desired.
I still had weight to lose.
I still had a massive love to find.
I still had money struggles to solve.
And even though my life was getting better and I was feeling more empowered, the outer results STILL weren’t showing up.
I could probably write a novel on this (if that hasn’t already happened with this post), and maybe I actually WILL write a novel about this, but to summarize something of HUGE IMPORTANCE and really dial this in for you as the entire point of this post, something happened to me one day. An AHA moment of sorts that would forever change the course of my life.
You see, I had that horoscope slapped on my laptop on April 20th, 2010. I can’t remember the exact dates, but it is safe to say that this AHA moment happened around a year later.
I had been pushing so hard for all of these results.
So desperately trying to hit a certain number.
Numbers on the scale.
Numbers in the bank account.
New texts from the guy I so needed to love me.
And then one day, I was on a run.
I had been running at this point, for awhile, quite consistently, and this day was no different from any other.
I was running along West Cliff, the weather was perfect, the sun was shining, dolphins were leaping out of the waves below. Pretty much just another day in Santa Cruz.
And I had this moment, where I realized this:
This process of running, yes, was “in order to” lose the weight.
But it had become so much more for me.
It was my church.
The thing I could depend on no matter how hard life got, and no matter how badly hy heart was hurting.
And it felt SO GOOD to know that every day I could choose to give myself this gift.
To run down that beautiful pathway and feel the sun on my face, and look out to see that constant ocean that never ceased to be there, no matter what I went through, and what was going on for me.
It brought me an immense feeling of peace.
And of freedom.
That was the day that I fell in love with the task of fleshing out my dreams.
The day I surrendered to the process.
The day I realized that the actual PROCESS of creating your dream life, is actually WAY more gratifying than the result.
That it was about the journey, not the destination.
That my commitment to taking responsibility for my life and creating one of my own design was WAY more satisfying than the actual physical manifestation.
In order to have anything you want, be anyone you want, and do anything you want - with your life -- you’ve GOT to fall in love with the task of fleshing out your dreams.
You’ve GOT to fall in love with the process.
And so nearly six years later, now that I have literally called into existence EVERYTHING that I merely dared to dream about back in 2011 on those beautiful morning runs, when life felt like it was shattering into a million pieces around me, I remember this:
There will always be a next level.
There will always be new goals and dreams.
And there will always be new work to be done (inner and outer) that are required to expand into that next level.
You will always be in process.
And you will always be working towards something.
Can you fall in love with the work?
Call you fall in love with your process?
Can you fall in love with the task of fleshing out your dreams?