This is to date the highest level of unleashing my innermost thoughts and process that I may have publicly released.
This morning I sat down to journal. I had no idea what was about to come forth.
I used to think journaling was just another fluffy self care act. I had no idea what was possible through writing and exploring the deeper subconscious layers of what lies inside.
This morning was a perfect example of what's possible through asking yourself a simple question and then allowing your higher self to guide the pen as she writes the answers.
Before I plunge in, I am going to start off by saying that I know for most, money is a taboo topic. My boyfriend and I just had a conversation YESTERDAY about me sharing financial specifics. He thinks it should be kept private. I believe in financial transparency and believe it to be part of my message and mission to teach others that money (like sex) is not dirty, and through talking about it and getting comfortable with it, that we can collectively shift our money wounds, amongst others.
With that said, I highly respect others choices to keep their money affairs private, and for that reason, I will not share ALL of the details of what I'm about to write about, out of respect for the others involved.
And also with that, I have made a commitment to myself to embrace financial transparency. One of the fears I am working through is that the more money I make, the more people will want from me. The more people will use me. Try to suck me dry. Super fearful bullshit that I know is not true, unless I allow it to be.
Ok so now....
This post feels really vulnerable to me not because I am talking about money, but moreso because today when I was journaling about money, some super deep, raw shit came up to the surface that had me exploding into tears and gasping for proverbial air.
I felt like I had been punched in the stomach with a bag of bricks, yet at the same time, felt such a sense of liberation because I realized for the very first time maybe, that I and I alone, am the ONLY reason that the thing I want, isn't here yet.
I don't blame myself. Rather, I am empowered by the reminder of responsibility. That I am the creator of my own experience. And that no one can shift this except me. I don't have to rely on anyone or anything other than myself to move this mountain.
What a relief.
I share the following with you not to have you fix it, or negate it, or save me from it.
I share it to unleash it, to release it, to dispel it, and hopefully to inspire YOU to do the same for yourself. So I ask to be held in my emotion, to hold space for it. To celebrate it, because it is a HUGE breakthrough for me.
I have been waiting on a rather large sum of money for a VERY long time now, that has nothing to do with my business.
I'm excited about receiving this money, because it will allow me to pay off all the debt I have incurred from the start of my business and will also allow me to make some investments back into my business and for the future.
For a year and half now, the money just won't come.
And I wait, in anticipation for it, and it just, doesn't, come.
Because I am a money coach and I work with the law of attraction and I understand blocks and beliefs, I am fully aware that I have a GIANT block to receiving this money.
I am literally blocking the money.
It's not that I haven't journaled on this almost every day for the past year and half.
I've gone through four journals on the topic already.
But today I asked myself a different question and got a completely different answer that really shed some light.
I asked myself if the money showed up today, would that be okay with me?
And the answer was no.
It hit me out of left field.
Because, duhhhhh, why WOULDN'T I want money to come to me? I mean really, no matter how much money you have or don't have, who wouldn't be pumped if more money just landed in their bank account one day?
You see, there is a payoff to me NOT receiving the money.
I get to be right about A LOT OF STUFF.
I get to continue to punish myself for things I wasn't even aware (until this morning) that I was punishing myself for.
I asked myself, what am I mad at myself for?
This is what I got.
I'm mad at myself for being a bitch. To my mom her whole life and even while I was taking care of her weeks before she died. I was so mad at her for loving me so unconditionally and I punished her for that because I didn't feel I deserved it and so her pure love made me highly uncomfortable.
I'm mad at myself for not opening up to the people in my life. I have put up walls because I am terrified of being abandoned and so it's easier to just not let people in.
I'm mad at myself for closing off my heart to myself. For not allowing myself to fully participate in the dance of life. For standing on the sidelines my ENTIRE LIFE, waiting, wishing, dreaming and all the while feeling like I was so different, that I wouldn't even KNOW how to be a part of everyone else.
I'm mad at myself for not expressing freely. For hiding things from people. For putting on a fake smile when I was dying inside. For not allowing myself to feel the gut wrenching pain that is still hiding out deep inside of me about what it was like to watch my mother die right in front of me.
I'm mad at myself for denying myself the full experience of all of this.
I'm mad at myself for pretending to show up and kick some ass. I know a lot of you reading this are probably mega confused because you see me showing up powerfully and making magic on a daily basis and the reality is that this is me at 30%. I have SO MUCH MORE within that is dying to come out and I've been hiding it, denying it, shoving it down because WHO AM I TO FULLY UNLEASH??
And what will they think??
Will they leave?
Will they talk about me behind my back?
At least if I play small, I have the illusion of safety, even if I'm not fully being present to my own life and the people in it.
The reason the money isn't coming is because I haven't fully forgiven myself yet.
For treating my mom so badly.
For the hell I put my parents through when I was showing up to high school high on cocaine.
For dropping out of high school.
For feeling like I was so different that I wouldn't fully engage with people because I couldn't even find it in myself to relate.
For being the one to give the go ahead to pull the plug on my mom the night she died.
For the friends I pushed away because I couldn't handle opening my heart up one more inch.
For the soul sister I let down because I couldn't stand in her grief with her when she needed me most.
For all the minutes, of all the days, of all the weeks and months and YEARS that ive pretended to not be good enough, because I was too scared to make the changes I knew I neeeded to make.
I hurt myself so many times.
With my own self talk.
How do you recover from that?
How do you journey back into self love, REAL, true, deep self love when you've spent so much of your life hating yourself?
Full disclosure here: Most of what I am talking about happened YEARS ago. I have a pretty healthy relationship with myself and I love my life now.
But I haven't fully released that relationship to self, that I carried around for so long.
And it hurts.
It's stopping me.
I've shared a couple of times how I have been trying to get to the next level for some time now, and couldn't figure out where I was stuck.
Well this is it.
I haven't yet truly, deeply forgiven myself for everything. For all of it.
But the biggest piece is this and I have no doubt that when I center into this and truly feel the grief behind it, that the money will immediately show up...
This is where the block is:
I have got to fully forgive myself for NOT giving myself the gift of self love and self acceptance all those years.
I need to release it.
I have carried these wounds too long.
I have punished myself enough.
It's time to walk away.
This is really scary for me to share this with the public, and I'm not even sure why because I'm usually pretty open and it's not difficult for me, but this one runs deep.
I don't think I am willing to show people the pain from my past and how deeply it still courses through my veins.
But it applies.
And it's time to let it go.
I'd love to know what this share sheds light on for you.
I'm going to end this too by plugging journaling for everyone who has been resisting it. It's been one of THE most transformative practices that I have taken on in the past couple of years.
I can't recommend it enough.
Thank you for holding the space for me to share and reveal my darkness. For allowing me to bring it to the light to be healed and transformed.
Our deepest dreams and desires are available to us when we're willing to go deep within and explore the depths of our hearts and souls.