***WHEN ARE YOU GOING TO GIVE IN???***
This question for you today is a serious one.
I invite you to answer it slowly, honestly, deeply, truly, and as if your life depends on it.
Because it does.
When are you going to give in?
When are you going to allow yourself to submerge your soul deeply into your absolute desires that you only sometimes allow yourself even a glimpse of?
When will you begin to live?
When will you say yes?
I have been doing some really deep inner exploration with my two mentors around giving myself FULL permission to step into the life I desire.
Not the life I THINK I should desire because it looks good on paper.
I have got THAT life dialed in: amazing partner, kick ass business, soulmate dog, soulmate friends, nice house, skinny body, money in the bank….
But I recognized in the past month, that that didn’t feel like enough…but not so much ENOUGH, but rather, not what I was initially looking for anyways…or at least, not all of it.
Because I had been chasing what I THOUGHT I wanted, and ignoring the deeper longing of my HEART + SOUL.
Which if I previously had looked too closely at, it was like staring straight into the sun.
And ironically, just in time, last week with the Solar Eclipse, and a house move, and a hurricane, AND a light activation session (mega deep energy healing) with one of my mentors, I found myself having a complete meltdown at my new office desk.
I start panicking.
My chest felt like it had 1000 elephants stepping on it.
I looked out the window of my perfectly decorated new office and I just thought to myself, no, no, no, no, NO!!!!!
THIS ISN’T IT!!!!!
Of course, I love my boyfriend, my dog, my house, my business, my money, my body, AND my perfectly decorated office.
But I had this moment of pure fear, pure adrenaline, pure panic, pure GRIEF, actually, that if I didn’t get really fucking clear, and SOON, that this wasn't ALL of it, and that I need to actually be REALLY honest with myself about the depths of all that I crave to experience in this lifetime, that I would quickly begin the process of dying a long, slow, and painful soul death.
Can you relate?
I know you because I AM you.
Especially those of you with all your bells and whistles complete.
Your perfect relationship.
Your perfect body.
Your full bank account.
Everything looks so good on the outside, yeh?
And on the inside, you’re screaming.
I see you.
I know you.
I AM you.
So…I’ll ask you the question again?
When are you going to give in?
When are you going to say YES?
When are you going to get really privy to the fact that your life is actually happening RIGHT NOW, and the only way you are going to fully experience it, and live into your desires, is if YOU step in and claim it and go after it, and make whatever changes, take whatever actions needed, to start living into that?
It’s scary shit. I know.
But here’s another thing I know.
(Warning - this post is about to get real ---- quick.)
I will never forget the experience of watching my mother die.
Not just the night she died.
But the six months leading up to it.
The details of that are not for this post however. (I am, in fact, writing an entire book about it).
The message during that time was loud and clear.
LIFE IS HAPPENING RIGHT NOW.
When someone that you just assumed (even knowing the realities of being a human being and that we all eventually die) would be around forever, is literally fading right in front of you, you are faced with a very harsh reality.
THIS ISN’T GOING TO LAST FOREVER.
Life is happening RIGHT THE FUCK NOW.
And so that grief I felt the other day mid-panic attack?
It was a heavy, deep grief…almost a shame…
Like, how DARE you live your life at 50% when you watched your mother’s life slip away before she was ready?
How the fuck DARE YOU not go all the way in??
You see, I made a promise to my mother, which I’m not even sure she heard, because she was so delirious from the morphine and the late stages of her life…I made a promise to her that I would NEVER EVER compromise my truth.
Who I am.
What I am here to do.
And so, as I sit here typing this, there are tears running down my cheeks, because that was a promise I never forgot.
I vowed to her to live my life to the fullest and to never back down from what I truly desired.
I owe it to her.
But more importantly, I owe it to myself.
So, AGAIN, I will ask you (and myself)…when are you going to give in?
When are you going to get really fucking honest about what it is that you are REALLY here to do, and see, and experience?
I can’t let you or myself get away with this bullshit any longer.
The bullshit of playing small.
Of not owning what we want.
Of ignoring our hearts and souls.
Of pretending we don’t get to have anything we want in this lifetime.
You owe it to yourself to go after what you want or die trying.
You see, my mom’s illness woke me up.
It was, perfectly placed in my life, as it was for hers as well.
Because we always get exactly what we need, to grow, to step forward.
Her cancer forced me to look at my own life.
It forced me to begin to grow.
It broke my heart into a million pieces over and over again.
It had me walking through years of crippling anxiety, fear, sadness, rage, and self-destruction.
And I wouldn’t have it any other way.
This picture was taken in 2010, just one year before I was to move home to Massachusetts from California to take care of my mother in the last six months of her life.
Through my pain, through my heartache, I had begun to find myself.
I had begun to tap into who I was, what my desires were, what lit me up.
It was a beautiful thing.
And that’s just the way life is sometimes right? It takes a shit storm…sometimes heart wrenching loss, sometimes a complete rock bottom, to shake us at our roots and cause ourselves to look at ourselves honestly in the mirror, and make some pretty scary choices.
And this whole bit about me not truly owning what I am here to do and experience?
I just forgot for a minute.
The truth is, I will never forget that promise I made to my mother.
I have it tattooed on my left forearm, although somewhat cryptically, because I vowed to never forget.
And so…for me, and perhaps for you too….
It is time to give in.
It is time to surrender to the magic of life.
To the beauty.
To the splendor.
To the desire.
To experiencing it fully.
To aligning with our true nature…our true power.
No more shying away.
No more backing down.
No more settling.
No more denying what we TRULY want.
It’s time to give in.