Trust that your desires are real.
One of my mentors, Katrina Ruth, always says, “Trust that what you feel inside of you is real.”
I’ve always understood that on a surface level, but if I was honest with myself, I would always be thinking under my breath, what’s inside of me? My art? My passion? My feelings?
And yes, that is part of it.
But in the past 24 hours, I’ve gotten a heavy dose of total oh my god yes this is exactly what she was talking about, heavy hit to the brain type of revelation.
Since the beginning of time, (and let me see if I can actually put this properly into words), I have felt this pull to this “place”….I would see the place in my dreams, in my imaginations.
More importantly, I could feel the energy of this place living inside of me. Like it was imprinted and coded into my DNA at a cellular level.
It felt a part of me.
In a really ancient, timeless, esoteric sort of way.
I never talked about it to anyone.
And I silently craved finding it.
For years I thought I would find it. Because it really wasn’t a physical place I was searching for. It was more of a feeling, a “clicking in”, a vibrational plane, a state of being.
And yet at the same time, I also could CLEARLY see in my minds eye, this physical place.
I would search for the feeling, the experience, the realization of this place, both physical and energetic, in so many things outside of myself. Men, drugs, music, smells, literature.
I searched for a very long time.
In the past couple of months, I have been coming to terms with the realization that my hunger for that search was dying.
I felt like I stopped caring.
I felt like I had surrendered to actually giving up on ever “finding it”.
I found myself either completely shutting out the people that I loved, and when I DID let them in, it would be to tell them my plight.
How many conversations did I have with my boyfriend telling him that I was longing to integrate those parts of myself back again that I felt I had lost after my mom died, and I moved away from California, and started my journey as a coach.
But really, it was the craving I was missing.
The actual belief, trust, faith and complete obsession with finding this place that I knew to be true.
I had given up on my dream.
My dreams are definitely about building an empire, traveling the world, having soulmate relationships, being a best selling author and having nice things.
But really? For me? The dream runs deeper than that.
It’s not about anything you can touch, taste, and feel, although that surely has a big part to play in it.
It’s about aligning with this “place” and finding the utopia, (for lack of a better word), that I have always been able to feel in my heart.
And so I started to lean into that again. I started to allow my mind to wander again.
Yesterday around 4pm, after a long and somewhat harrowing drive down a straight Mexican freeway that felt like it was never going to end, I found myself rounding a corner and beginning to submerge into the somewhat street jungle that is the beach road of Tulum.
I immediately felt this sense of YES, this feeling of being home, and quickly had this giant emotional hit of holy-shit-ness, when I realized something so insanely crazy that I almost couldn’t contain my emotion around it.
This place, that I had never been to, and that I only two months ago decided to come to, was exactly the place that I have been imagining, and dreaming, and craving, and feeling pulled to, for the past thirty years plus of my life.
This odd sense of panic actually came over me (and I have goosebumps writing this, although that could also being from the gust of wind that just rolled up from the ocean which just happens to be about thirty feet from where I am sitting writing this, glass of rose by my side)…but I was staring out the window of the van and had this sense of astonishment and almost said it out loud, but definitely thought it to myself - oh my god, I fucking created this place.
Anyone who has been to Tulum and has stayed beach side knows that there is one road that runs up and down the coast, where all the hotels are. You can’t actually SEE the ocean from the road (except for one spot, and also I have no idea about the north side, since we are staying on the south side and aren’t venturing north until tomorrow morning)…it feels like you are driving through the jungle.
But as I peered through the window of the van, my mouth hanging open in astonishment, we drove by shops, and restaurants, and juice bars and beautiful spas and the whole time I was just sitting here thinking OH MY GOD.
I’ve been here before.
Now while this is my first time visiting Tulum physically, I have been to this place hundreds if not thousands of times….
In my mind.
I recognized places. I know I had sat on these barstools before.
Now maybe it was another life time, maybe I did some weird time/space travel (those of you who are into that shit, feel free to educate me in the comments about it)…, or maybe I literally just see this in my mind first and actually begin to manifest the experience of actually being here physically, because I was so attracted to the energy of it.
Whatever happened, it has been a crazy past 24 hours for me, realizing, that now, I do in fact, understand exactly what my mentor has been saying this whole time.
When you see something in your mind’s eye, and you can taste it and you can smell it and you can hear it and you can feel it.
It’s fucking real.
You might not know at this time, where to find it, how to get there, or even what to make of it.
But if you can’t stop thinking about it, and it becomes this feeling, this pull, this craving, this sweet spot, whenever you think about it…then it certainly does exist out there for you.
And if you can allow yourself to be led there and trust that the Universe actually WANTS you to find it and that if you just relax a little bit and trust and keep your eyes locked in on that and keep FEELING it and keep imagining it, that someday, JUST SOMEDAY! You may find yourself there.
Without even trying to make it “the thing”.
How many times have you done that with a romantic relationship?
I was constantly trying to make each guy I dated that I felt a connection with - THE GUY.
Trying to control each experience.
Trying to make everything exactly what I wanted it to be.
So I guess this whole post (and this whole experience of Tulum really!), is all about surrender.
Can you trust that the Universe will lead you directly into the epicenter of everything that you thought was literally just a place of ecstasy and exquisite bliss that you could only access in your mind?
Because it can.
And it will.
If you keep the faith and SURRENDER.
Last night, we were sitting at Ocumare, and the copal smoke was blowing into our faces, and the wine was fantastic, and the ambiance was perfect, and I knew I had been there before in my imagination.
And when we walked down the jungle road to make our way back to our cabana, and it started to rain and I clung to Ian when I almost stepped on a dead scorpion, and the sky was lighting up with the most beautiful lightning, all I could keep thinking was…
YES. IT’S REAL.
The sense of relief that comes from knowing that the pining wasn’t all for nothing and that I wasn’t crazy and that this place existed the whole time, is the most satiating feeling I could possibly tap into.
And I want to keep writing about this (and I will!), but it’s time for me to go join my man, who is down on the sand, who I am currently watching his chest rise and sink, as he takes a blissful nap under his little coconut tree set up.
It’s time to go dance with this place some more.